slum life.
2006-07-15 | 3:45 a.m. i know that NO ONE reads this & that makes for a perfect place to get some feelings out that i can't get out much of anywhere else. especially not my mouth. i'm extremely tired. there are 24 hours in a day, right? well, i spend about 20 of those awake & taking care of a baby, trying to take care of myself (eating, showering, pissing, etc ...), preparing things to take care of the baby with (clothes, bottles, bathing, etc ...), doing household chores, & whatever else needs to be done. seriously, i sleep approximately 4 hours a day. do you know how hard it is to function with only 4 hours of sleep each day? VERY. my mind is numb. my body is sore. my eyes itch. my nerves are shot. i barely even have time to shower. i've been having to shower every 2 days. that's disgusting as hell, but i don't have time to do it. the only way i'm able to write this now is because lily is sleeping & mum is in the room with her. jesse has been helpful, though. when he comes in from work he usually takes over the feedings/changings & lets me wash clothes & dishes & do other things. the reason i wanted to write here is mostly because of him. i don't think he knows of this diary, but he does know of the others & quite frankly i have a few things to say that i don't want him to know. it would just make him more pissed off at me. A. we have sleep issues. he wants to sleep A LOT. & leave me up with the baby when i'm about to literally pass out from exhaustion. i think this is shitty of him. i understand that he works all day, BUT so do i. plus, he came in & napped for like, 4-5 hours while i cleaned out cabinets, washed dishes, & took care of lily. (not to mention that i was already tired from being in forest all day) when he woke up, he helped me by drying a few dishes & then went to feed lily, which i was fine with ... but he enver came back to help. nope. he watched a movie instead & was supposed to be watching lily. i still didn't mind too much, since he was still performing a service while watching his movie. while washing dishes though, i heard lily crying & expected her to stop within a few minutes, but i kid you not, i listened to her scream for about 15 minutes. i finally went in the to see what was wrong & he was just sitting there ... tapping her on the back (like he was trying to burp her), but with his eyes never leaving the TV screen. she was turning purple & gasping for air she was crying so hard. THAT pissed me off, so i washed my hands & grabbed her away from him & told him to fix her a bottle. i complained that he should have done more to calm her down or at least asked me to fix a bottle while i was in the kitchen. she immediately calmed down after i started talking to her & rocking her. she was crying a bit when he brought the bottle in, though & made some snide comment about how she was "turning purple from crying because i wasn't consoling her enough." bullshit. he's such an inconsiderate ass sometimes. before that, while he was feeding her, he had put on water for ramen noodles & i told him i would put the noodles in the water, so we wouldn't have to disturb her. he agreed. i put the noodles in, let them boil, & then put in the seasoning. i put them in a bowl & took them to him. he looks at them, decides i didn't do it right & they have no flavor, & throws it away. i apologized & told him i would at least heat him a can of ravioli. so i did. & he ate like, 4 bites & threw that away too. he said it wasn't thoroughly heated ... so fucking reheat it! that pissed me off, too. & before ... before all of that, when he was helping me wash/dry dishes, we got in another argument about his friend, michael. long story short, he & michael have been/were best friends since about 9th grade. they were in a band together, hung out all the time, did drugs together, etc ... i don't like michael. i don't dislike him. i just don't really have an opinion either way. he's not someone that stands out enough for me to get to know. however, jesse puts hm on some sort of grand pedastool, along with their friendship. jesse asked me jokingly if he & michael were gay lovers, would he be the bitch. & i said "yeah. you're already his bitch." i know what i meant by it, but he didn't & shouldn't have, seeing as the reason i said it had only to do with my opinion of their friendship. he kept bothering me to explain what i meant & got really pissed when i wouldn't tell him. i don't want to hurt his feelings. he always retaliates with "you're just jealous!" & at some point, i really was, but now i see that i have NOTHING to be jealous about. they were friends & they had good times together. they were close. they have memories. i was jealous of that, but we have all of that too & many more to come, i hope. my peeve about the whole thing is that michael lives in florida. he did live in meridian, ms, which is like 30 minutes away. he hasn't seen jesse in almost a year or more. jesse calls him frequently, but michael is always too busy to talk, not there, & doesn't ever call here, although he has the number & it would be a lot more convenient. yet somehow, he's still his best friend in the whole wide world ...? if i never saw my friends, they never called, when i called them they weren't there or would talk 5-10 minutes & exclaim they had to go because of "insert excuse here", & came to visit meridian for a weekend & didn't even let me know ... i would ponder my friendship with them & probably let it go. not jesse. oh no! he hangs onto michael's every word. he thinks of him as his little tripping buddy who cares so deeply for him. & i may be completely wrong, but from an unbiased point of view - it seems michael has moved on with his life. he simply keeps in touch with jesse (if you can even call it that ...?) out of pity, maybe. i pity jesse, too. he clings so hard to people that don't give a damn about him. & things that remind him of those people that should be rotting in a garbage bin somewhere. it bugs the hell out of me that he can't live in the present. that he can't let things go. people go. i'm the complete opposite of him. i'm quick to let people slip the cracks. & i keep no reminders after they're gone. when i eliminate someone from my life, i eliminate their existance from my mind. it's as if they were never there at all. it's not because i care so deeply that i can't handle the thoughts of them (as has been suggested by some people). it's because i don't have room for them. why take up space in my memories of people that i don't care about/don't care about me? why store away keepsakes that do nothing but collect dust & make people wonder why you have a bellybutton ring ... when you're a boy & probably don't have your bellybutton peirced. i'm talking about jesse. when he first moved in with me, he kept a small box at the top of our bed with a spider bellybutton ring in it & several other little trinkets. i asked about the bellybutton ring one day & he explained that it was his ex-girlfriend, erin's & was one of his favorite things because he used to lay around & talk to her spider belly ring. it sat there. & sat there. & i listened to him talk about her so longingly sometimes. & it drove me mad. it pissed me off that a little chunk of metal molded into a spider could have that much control over somebody. that he cared so much about that memory & her that he kept it. i admit that i took it. i took it out of that little box & walked outside & threw it as far as the strength in my arm would allow. surely he missed it, but he never said a word. it's buried beneath dirt & grass & rocks by now. & when he gets the nerve to ask me what happened to it, i'll gladly tell him the earth ate it. there's so many things that i love about him. his smile. the way he does little things for me. how he always tries to steal kisses. the look he gives me when he thinks i look good. the way he laughs when something is REALLY funny ... but there are also things about him that i think i hate. like him not letting go of the past, his oblivious nature to things going on right in front of him, the way he doesn't consider my feelings & blames me for the way things are. how he claims i'm selfish & always get my way. i always try to compromise with him. he wants college in alabama this fall (august - meaning we would have to pack everything, move, unpack, find jobs, etc ... all with a newborn baby) - i agreed to go next fall, so i could have time to adjust to life with the baby & heal properly. he complained that i was being selfish! is it selfish to want to be able to take care of your child properly or not have to be sent back to the hospital? my god. in writing this i realize just how ridiculous he is in calling me selfish. i'm concerned for my child & my health & he calls me selfish ... there's so many things in him that stand out more since lily has been born that i'm not sure i could handle down the line. his short temper, his lack of responsibility, his not being able to consider my body/feelings. i think i may be subconciously starving myself. i don't have much time to eat, but when i do ... i don't really want anything. my stomache does nothing but constantly growl. i'll eat a stick of string cheese or a granola bar & sometimes, that's all i eat the entire day. i just don't have an appetite. i'm also trying to lose the baby weight, but i don't want to starve myself to do it. i want to exercise, but i can't for another 3-4 weeks. i started smoking again, too. i'm a terrible person. i'm probably a terrible girlfriend & mother, as well. even if i'm terrible, i try. i try my damnedest ... which in turn means that my damnedest is terrible. i think i might be depressed. or still dealing with hormones. or something. i don't want to be depressed. i'm just so tired & dealing with crappy things right now. but, to quote ... the bible, maybe? "this too shall pass." |
i am miranda. i'm 18, engaged to a wonderful man, & expecting my first child (lily guinevere darty) june 30, 2006.
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