upside down, you're breaking my heart.
2006-12-23 | 2:57 a.m. i'm back! probably not. but i am for today. i have a lot of things i need to get off of my chest where NO ONE i know will read it. i doubt jesse even knows this god forsaken thing even exists. things are not okay. to say the least. things with jesse are ust fucking ridiculous. money problems. arguing. all the typical marriage bullshit. except: WE'RE NOT MARRIED! he broke off our engagement due to some preposterous idea about how he can't trust me to 'keep my promises.' only because i had told him that we could move back to AL & let him start college. yeah. so, instead i bought a trailer & planted some roots here. he can still go to school - just a little later. i think he just doesn't want to own up to his responsibilities & be a man. he's always been that way. i remember when he used to massage my feet & bring me glasses of water. we would have long talks on the patio about everything from the weather to dog shit. as unromantic as that may sound, i would give anything to be able to talk to him like a real person again. to even look at him as something more than a stranger i share a room & child with. sure, we talk, but it's mindless banter. feelings? those aren't allowed. if i even bring up how i'm upset about something, it just turns into a raging argument about how i'm a spoiled brat who always gets her way, so i shouldn't complain about anything. ha. yes. THIS is EXACTLY how i planned my life to be at 18. no friends. no money. a 6 month old baby. & a deadbeat boyfriend who thinks a video game is more important than renovating our used trailer & paying the bills. oh, the american dream! i don't even want to speak anymore because i'm scared it will just start an argument. i don't even feel like i know him anymore. it's sickening sometimes. i think that's why i have trouble having sex with him. there's an evident pain from using a condom. but there isn't the emotional connection like we had. before, after we had sex, i would be beaming for days. smiling. laughing. feeling loved & beautiful. now, it's the too often 'wham-bam-thank-you-maam' & i'm off to do something else. without feeling like i've done anything at all. he even had the balls to call me ugly today? what the fuck? so. i gained like, 15 lbs. & don't fix my hair everyday. certainly that doesn't make me ugly ...? way to go you asshole. tell a new mother with 15 flabby ass & belly pounds & stretch marks like a roadmap she's ugly. i hope that made him fel better. 'cause it just made me cry. i've thought so many times about leaving. or making him leave, rather. if we're not gettign along & haven't been for the past 6 months or so, it seems the only logical thing to do. BUT. i love him. i don't know why. god knows every sensible bone in my body says run away. cut your losses. but my heart says 'deeper. you can do this. look at those gorgeous blue eyes.' & my heart ALWAYS wins. i don't want lily to grow up without a dad either. she deserves a dad. she needs a dad. she needs a mom, too. a happy mom who isn't constantly thinking about suicide or unhappy she is with her life. how everything would be so much better if her dad would just be a man. save a few bucks & give up playing his childish video games & have a conversation with her for once. or how unappreciative he is that she sacrificed her college fund to get a trailer. which hedoesn't know about to appreciate, but you get the point. that if he would just think about her & their daughter first for ONCE. she would cry & smile at the same time & it wouldn't mean that she was cracking up. if only. but if only's don't happen to me, i've learned. they just taunt me & make me miserable because i expect more from people than they ever give me. because i expect them to do what i would do & live up to what i believe them capable to be. but no. they're just people. not superheroes. not gods up high. just people. doing the daily grind & trying to be happy themselves. i'm sure jesse is unhappy, too. i know he hates me & probably wishes me dead at times. who could blame him? but i do love him. otherwise i woulnd't expect so much of him. or keep his sneaky, ungrateful ass around. & according to everyone else, i shouldn't. but have i ever listened to anyone? ever? probably not. maybe i should start. they've usually been right. i've become so unhappy with my life that i just really don't care what happens anymore, though. if jesse left, i can't honestly say that things would be much different. we never really talk or hang out anyway. gross. i'm starting to prduce tears. that means i better shut up before i REALLY start opening up. i'm such a mushball. i've never had a broken heart from being with someon. i thought that came later. |
i am miranda. i'm 18, engaged to a wonderful man, & expecting my first child (lily guinevere darty) june 30, 2006.
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